BAI

It's been a while since I've written on this. Been extremely busy doing very little. But the big news in my life is that I passed my degree. It was such a surprise. Honestly, I was completely 100% certain I had failed. I'm not one of those people who always says they've done shit either. I'm generally fairly good at judging how well I've done in exams, and I think my results reflect that.

We were allowed to fail (<40%) a maximum of 2 modules as long as our overall average was over 40%. I failed 2 modules and got exactly 40% in 3 more with an average of 47%. If I had been 1% worse in any of those 3 subjects I would have had to repeat 4th year (with only a pass degree no matter how well I did 2nd time round) and because of the new rules being brought in for engineers next year, I would have had to have done a masters after finishing my degree too. I'm basically 2 years better off than I thought, and with an honours degree. It is only a III and I came 48th in the year out of 50 but I am unbelievably happy about it.

I had stayed in a friend's house the night before results came out and had to walk home. The walk home takes about 40 minutes or so and about 15 minutes from home I remembered that it was results day. I wasn't nervous to check or anything because I already knew that I had failed. I'd already told my parents I was going to fail and everything. I spent the last 15 minutes of that walk trying to think up something really cool that I could do as my final year project next year. When I got home I logged in, just to confirm what I already knew. I had to read the results about 3 times before I was certain that I was reading them correctly. III - the 3 most beautiful characters I've ever seen.

I sat there reading it again and again, just laughing to myself. I must have looked insane.

The last time I've been happy with a set of results was 2nd year of college. After that I went to France to study for a year. I spent that entire year way behind everyone else in the class with no hope of catching up. I failed that year but on returning did 2 sets of repeats in order to be allowed into 4th year. I scraped through. It was only then that I realised that I had learnt absolutely nothing of use to my engineering education while I was in France. I had also missed the first 4 weeks of term because I was still embroiled in appeals and super-supplemental exams.  I spent that entire year way behind everyone else in the class with no hope of catching up.

I hadn't realised how heavily it had all been weighing on me until the moment I realised I had passed. In that moment I was flooded with relief and it literally felt as though an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was walking taller than I had for 2 years. The sheer shock that I had passed only intensified the feeling. For the first time in 2 years I wasn't living in the shadow of impending failure. The constant threat of having to face the poor decisions I've made over the past 2 years, which had been looming on the horizon for so long, was gone.

The fact that I got through 4th year really does show how poor the methods for assessment in Trinity are though. If I had failed I could have had no complaints. I did not put in the effort at all to warrant being this pleased with my results. I did my entire final year project in the 3 days before my thesis on it was due. I got 61% in it.

When my mum got home she pretty much immediately started asking me what my plans are. What do I want to do now? Do I want to do a masters? If so, a masters in what? She kept hinting at the idea of me becoming a chartered accountant and I have no idea why. I have never expressed any interest whatsoever in accountancy or business of any kind. She couldn't have just given me one day to not worry about what's next. Just that one night between being a student, and being an adult. One glorious night in purgatory.

I actually did have a great night that night (how could I not?). Conveniently there was something on which all my friends were already planning on going to and all the engineers ended up going to too. I hadn't drunk a shoulder in quite a long time, and since it had been my weapon of choice for most of my time in college, I decided it was time to get on the train to shoulder town once more. Drank it so fast, got real licked. Kept buying people pints. I ended up dancing on the stage of the club dressed as a panda. Superb night in the end.

I had told myself if I passed my exams I would go to Vietnam with Oisin. I was sure I'd failed so it may just have been a way for me to cop out of the trip which we'd been vaguely planning for a few months.

I'm gonna do it now though. My one regret about my life as a student is never having done a big holiday to a really class part of the world. I did go to France for a year but I was studying there and living there so it was different. I want to rectify that and just do an absolutely class holiday this summer. Vietnam is somewhere I've always wanted to go so I was so glad Oisin suggested it because I really need someone to take the lead in these kind of things. I also think I'd enjoy travelling with Oisin.

This post has been long enough. I'd like to say I'll post again soon because I've a good bit more to say at the minute but I have to return this laptop to college and I lost my other one so I don't know when I'll get another chance. They'd already sent me 3 emails about it and then today I got one from the head of the department saying that if I don't return it I'll be in debt to the college. Not looking forward to not having one but I better do it soon before they decide to take 1% off one of those results.

I'm actually so happy.

Well I remember having a Ball...

The ball was superb. The best one so far. The thing is though: I don't actually have that many memories. I just kind of remember the general feeling of the whole night, and I remember I was real happy all night. I was incredibly fucked though and spent the best part of two days just recuperating. They ended up being a delish two days though. I can't really remember who I met or saw at the ball which is kind of annoying. I remember some people but there's so many I'm just not sure on.

Downloaded this album there the other day. It's real chill. I still don't know it very well so I haven't picked a favourite yet so I just went for a random one. Enjoy. They use a few of the songs in this very chill snowboarding documentary I watched whilst deep in my recuperation phase after the ball. I would highly recommend it. The song from the trailor is M83 too. (Hope it's not the same song)

Just had a pin out the window. It was real nice. It's cold out but real nice. Pretty good sky tonight. The night sky is generally pretty class though. Doesn't stop me enjoying it each time I check it out though. It was so peaceful out too. I could hear the beeping of traffic lights, which is weird because the nearest traffic lights to my house are a fair distance away. It was quite windy too so it was blowing through the tress which both looked and sounded really nice. It was coming from behind the house so it wasn't making me cold or blowing smoke in my face or anything which was lucky. Brought myself a bit of choccy and a glass of OJ for doing it too which turned out to be an inspired decision.

Getting caught up in that experience. Just started watching Annie Hall again. I've seen it once before and loved it. That was a good while ago though so I've been meaning to watch it again. Probably not gonna help me fix my sleep pattern but I'll leave that til tomorrow to worry about.

Farewell, old friend.

I've kind of been neglecting this recently. Partially because I keep forgetting I have this blog except for when it's an inconvenient time to write something and partially because I've just been so busy for the last 3 weeks or so that there's been pretty much nothing but inconvenient times. I also haven't had much to write about. Actually, that's not true. I've had a few thoughts that I've intended to post but forgotten about.

But today I learned some news which upset me hugely.

My car has been lacking any sort of power recently so this morning I brought it down to get it repaired. I left it in the garage and then went into college. When I was leaving college I rang my mum to find out if the car was ready yet and if I could pick it up on my way home. I was just not prepared at all for what I was told.

The car needs a new clutch, timing belt, CV joint and a couple of other things which will cost about €1,100 or so. Apparently the car is only worth €500 so my parents don't think it's worth fixing it. What this basically means is that when I drove the car down to the garage this morning, that was probably the last time I will ever drive it.

I don't know if I can adequately describe how this makes me feel but I'll give it a go.

That's it there. The red one. We were staying in Donegal in my friend's house.

We went down to this massive strand and did drag races and stuff.

That car in the background is the police.

One of the many great memories I have of it.

First of all I would just like to say that I am not, in any way, a petrol head. I know no more about cars than the average person. My car is a red (red as you can get) 2000 Hyundai Accent. It has a 1.3 litre engine. I once timed how long it took me to go from 0-60 in it and it took something like 21 seconds (I'm sure it was capable of a bit faster but I hadn't been driving long when I did it). We bought the car 5 years ago this month for about €4,000. The tape player is broken, the central locking on the passenger door unlocks but doesn't lock, the back door on the driver's side doesn't open from the inside, and both of the front windows have been smashed in the not too distant past.

It is not a good car. But it was my first car.

I know every inch of that car so well. I have spent an incredible amount of time in it over the past 5 years. I was 17 years old when I started driving it and was the first person in my year in school to be driving. I think that a combination of the distinctive colour of the car and the fact that I was the first of my friends (by a long way) to be driving has given it almost an iconic status among the people who have been in it.

People remember my car.

I wrote a facebook status about it earlier on and afterwards I was thinking about who might see that status and feel a little bit of sadness to hear that it has given its last lift. I honestly don't think it's an exaggeration to say that at least 40% of my facebook friends have had some sort of experience in that car. If I was betting on it, I'd say that figure is even higher if I worked it out (Edit: I actually went back and counted. I counted the people who had ever gotten lifts or who I only met as a direct result owning that car. If I wasn't sure on someone, I generally didn't count them. 265 out of my 569 facebook friends were directly affected by that car in one way or another).

I remember driving away after passing my driving test. It was 2 days before I started the Leaving Cert. and it was an incredibly sunny and warm day. I have such a vivid memory of driving home, listening to this song on the car speakers. (I realise the irony of the name of the song)

That is such a good memory. Driving along with the window down, singing along to this song and just feeling that the Leaving Cert. was going to be fine. I was incredibly at ease considering how close it was to the exams.

I have so many good memories in that car. I've done road trips with my friends in it. Picked up girls for first dates in it. Delivered countless pizzas in it. That car has witnessed some of the most enjoyable conversations I've ever had, and moments that have defined my life and who I am as a person. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it is not.

Often if I had something weighing on my mind I would get in that car and just drive around for a while to think. I found it incredibly relaxing. I always have. Once I was at home looking out my window at the stars and I saw a spotlight in the sky. I went outside, got in the car and just drove towards the light until I found its source.

That car has given countless lifts, brought me closer to so many people (both literally and figuratively) and has honestly changed my life profoundly.

That car defines part of who I am. It is part of my identity. People know me and they know my car. The idea of it not being there saddens me more than I can say.

I've been trying to think of the songs that I most associate with that car. I used to be able to play my iPod through the speakers until the tape player broke about 2 and a half years ago so the songs that have sprung to mind are mostly ones I haven't really listened to since then. This is a song I used to listen to all the time when I was driving around by myself, especially at night. I always loved the lyrics. I literally haven't listened to it in well over 2 years I'd say.

I knew this day would come eventually. I had thought about it before and have always dreaded it. I just never thought it would come so soon.

I wish I had known that this morning would be the last time I'd drive it beforehand. I don't know what I would have done differently. I would have done a big drive along the seafront for sure. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it as much as I would have liked to because of the lack of power caused by the broken clutch but I would have appreciated every second of that journey.

I'm going to miss that car. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing it.

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

Bit of a rollercoaster week. So much has happened in the past 5 or 6 days and yet somehow I feel like I'm strangely back where I started.

So many couples seem to have broken up this week. I know of at least three, two of which had been long-term things which came as big surprises to me. It's strange when a couple breaks up out of nowhere. I guess you can never really know what's going on when you're on the outside looking in.

Sort of had something playing on my mind all week and I've found myself thinking about it whenever I'm trying to go to sleep or any time I've had time to myself really. Had a couple of big chats with people this week which have generally been good. Sometimes I feel it's better to get shit out in the open, even though in general I'm quite a reserved, closed-off person by nature. Sorted something out that I've been wondering about for a long time and was pretty happy with outcome.

Good old Jodroy and I had a great chat too. He's quite a philosophical lad at times and really gave me some food for thought. He's a great lad for that. Always pleasantly surprised with his ability to listen and give advice. Very nice characteristic to have.

I always think I'll have loads to say but I'm still getting back into this whole thing and don't really feel comfortable revealing all. I was planning on keeping this completely secret but I felt it wouldn't be fair to be following my friend but then keeping mine from him so I told James. I kind of regret that cos I'm definitely gonna be slightly less open in this now but gotta stick to my principles.

When I think back on this week it;s very difficult to decide if I'd classify it as a good week or a bad week. Plenty more highs than there were lows but the lows felt lower than highs did high. That's always the way though I suppose.

In the past few years I've kind of noticed that when something is going well for me it will only really do it until I feel comfortable enough that it's not gonna get screwed up and I open up about it and start really getting my hopes up. That's when something happens to screw it up. I've noticed this in the past but I might just be paranoid. It did happen again this week. But I think it's sorted. I hope so anyway. At least I did something about, which is quite unlike me.

In case you haven't noticed, I don't plan these posts out before I start writing. I just start with a vague topic in mind and see where I end up. I'm sorry if they're a bit all over the place but I suppose I write them in kind of a stream of consciousness so that probably accounts for the lack of any recognisable structure.

Anyway, reading week this week is gonna be either real shit or real good. I have lots of plans, and if they all come to fruition I'll be a very happy man this time next week. We'll have to wait and see.

First post: neither meaningful nor insightful

First post but not my first blog. I used to have one where I posted my thoughts and views on everything in my life. I really liked it. Found it really therapeutic. But then the wrong people in my life started reading it and it just started causing me more trouble than it was worth. I tried changing the url and stuff but people always seemed to find it somehow. Real random acquaintances started asking me about it and it just got to the stage where I felt like I was becoming 'that guy with the blog', and I didn't like it.

So this time round I'm gonna keep it real discreet. This is for me and not anyone else. I've been meaning to start a new one for a good while but I'm awful at starting these things out and I hate going through the whole process of getting it going. I'm also incredibly unimaginative when it comes to names and stuff like that. Definitely my least favourite part. I always end up having to just go for a reference to something that holds a special meaning for me at that time. So this time round I went for this:

I find that when I hear a cover of a song that I've always loved, like this, I go through 3 phases. I'm currently in the 1st phase with this one which is being in love with it. The 2nd phase, which I'm not looking forward to at all, is the realisation that it is still essentially the same song I've been listening to for years and I get real sick of it. I'll generally go about a year or two without listening to it when that happens. That's when phase 3 kicks in and I come to like it for what it is. A different perspective on something I've always loved. Right now I'm just gonna enjoy phase 1 while it lasts. As I said at the start, it means a lot/reminds me of an experience that's been running through my mind a lot in the last few days.

When I have an experience like that, one which keeps cropping up in the recesses of my consciousness, I always like to give it a bit of thought. Some people try to kind of ignore that kind of thing but I figure it keeps coming back for a reason. Sometimes it's just a moment that's nice to relive, even if you've already deciphered the meaning of it's constant presence in your thoughts. 

If this all seems like I'm being very cryptic, it's not intentional. Or certainly not wholly so. After my previous experience with this blogging thing I'm probably gonna be more reserved with regards to the specific details of my life, at least for the first stage of this blog's existence. As well as this, I'm currently listening to music (and may I just say that shuffle is playing an absolute blinder tonight) and I'm not good at tracking my thought process while listening to music. I'm not what you'd call a good multi-tasker. So this probably adds to the feeling of constantly concealing details and backtracking on myself. Or maybe I'm making perfect sense (although I doubt it somehow). Either way my narrative just feels very clumsy tonight for some reason. Could just be that it's been so long since the last time I tried to articulate my thoughts like this and I need a bit of time to get back into it. 

This post is starting to get very long. I'll leave you with one more song:

I just realised that both of these songs appear at important points in 'Friends'. The original version of the first song is playing on Rachel and Ross's first date and the second one is playing at the very end of the last episode as the camera pans around the appartment. Completely unintentional but funny how stuff like that happens sometimes.